Banner Sponsors
For artists and collectors sponsored by Intercal...your mohair supplier and Johnna's Mohair Store
Strange BearsThought you might like these....... I love #14..........I really wanted to know what the guidelines for the essays were......
Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their
collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school
essays.
These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers
across the country. Here are last year's winners:
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides
gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a
guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of
those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at
high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of
those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room
temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated
because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a
formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag
filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an
eerie,surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and
Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you
fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across
the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at
4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who
had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the
East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only
one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are want to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,
this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not
eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but areal duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender
leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells,
as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
Past Time Bears:crackup: :crackup: :crackup: :crackup: :crackup: Love it!
OMG that is priceless...Call me warped though because my favorite is #24
Hugs,
Krista
Back Road BearsOK, 5 & 10 made me laugh..... they are both gross. What does that say about my mind set tonight? Hmmm...
I too would be interested in knowing what exactly the essay assignments were!
Yup, I hear you Daphne!!!
hugs,
krista
Charlotte Des Roches Designs:crackup: :crackup: :crackup: but kind of scary too...I wonder also what the topics for the essays were & what grade of high school...these are our future adults??????shuddering
Posts: 535Very funny!! Thank you for sharing those.
Hugs,
Julie
Burlison Bears:crackup: :crackup: :crackup: :crackup: :crackup:
Absolutely hilarious!
Thanks for posting these! They made me laugh out loud....literally...not like when you type the generic "lol" everyday in your emails but you're really not laughing, just smirking slightly, but you want the other person to think that they are so funny that they actually cause a chuckling sound to emit from your throat. I mean I really did "laugh out loud"!!!
-Eliza :crackup:
Matilda Huggington-beare#4, 12, 20 totally priceless!!!!!!!!!!!!! :crackup: :crackup: :crackup: :crackup: :crackup:
Bearz by Ilze:crackup: :crackup: :crackup: :crackup: :crackup: :crackup:
My daughter and I laughed at #3....talk about a run on sentence! I cant believe kids actually wrote some of this stuff. I also like the one about E. coli...now thats TRUE love!
Hugs,
Kim
Storytime Bears:crackup: :crackup: :crackup: :crackup: :crackup:
Real Deal Bears:crackup: :crackup: :crackup: :crackup: :crackup:
well some of them are very imaginative , like No10 :crackup: :crackup: :crackup: but oh so gross
Doodlebears:crackup: :crackup: :crackup: :crackup: :crackup: :crackup: :crackup: :crackup: :crackup:
Now they won't be winning the Pulitizer Prize for Authors will they!
Hugs Jane. 
SanguineCreationsI love #4,#17 and # 20, very funny.
Waggle BearsThese are funny. They remind me of something my daughter sent to us years back. It was hilarious...also written by an English teacher, if I recall correctly, and was excerpts from student essays. I'll have to see if I can find that. It was so funny I know I kept it.
The one that I remember right now was: Beethoven kept a spinster in his attic which he played often.
Chaska, Minnesotareally funny. :crackup: :crackup: :crackup:
Marlys - I immediately thought of that one two...
"Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large."
You can find that one online here
http://www.britishcouncil.org/learnengl … -exams.htm
I also like this one
Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Waggle BearsYes, yes, yes, Melissa...that's the one...so I paraphrased a little and got the composer wrong, but you knew what I meant. I giggled all the way through them. I didn't know they were online. Thanks, I will revisit them. :crackup: :crackup:
I just went to the link and I remember they were all funny, but I'd forgotten just how hiliarious they are...here are a couple other favorites.
"Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere."
"The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet."
Thanks, Melissa, I shall go to this site when I need to really laugh.
Waggle BearsMelissa: I found my copy and it's from the March 1, 1993 issue of the National Review. It was written by Richard Lederer, an English teacher, who, at least at that time, lived in NH. It's titled "Unofficial History...56 BC and All That," and he states "I have pasted together a history of the world from genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully and you will learn alot."
It's a two page "essay" on the history of civilization and reads as a story. The website doesn't have the complete story and it is much funnier reading them all as one story. I'll start another thread and give you the first few paragraphs and see if everyone wants to continue.
